Friday, September 30, 2005
Yappari chigau yo ne...Natasha: Why are all these people naming hurricanes? It's like they see a hurricane and go 'Look, that's a hurricane! Let's name it! Hurricane... Michelle!'
Me: (Chases Natasha and starts whacking her up)
Lately, I feel like I'm walking on thin ice. Just as I thought I got the hang of it, it crashes and before I know it, I'm sinking.
It's getting to be really hard for me to stay optimistic. And though yes, I am optimistic most of the time, the times when I'm not just starts to get to me pretty bad.
For instance, I now have a strong desire to cut myself.
I'm not sure whether it's because I have a friend who does it or because of the way people claim what cutting does to them, but whatever it is... everytime my happiness just crashes down, I get so depressed that all I want to do is get out of it. And to me, the only way of doing it is by focusing my pain on other things, like a slash on my wrist. Maybe if I focus on that pain, I'll feel much better. Maybe I should cut myself because I deserve it... and all of those stupid thoughts.
I'm not going to cut myself though... I made a promise not to ever do something as lowly as that. But I guess I'm still not strong enough to handle the "minor" problems in my life.
Now, after all that depressing rant, I'm sure you'd like to know the cause of it right?
Well, besides my group mates in advertising giving me problems, I recently got into an accident. One that involves me parking and a pillar.
Sigh... in other words, I knocked into a pillar while parking near my mom's hospital and the damage is bad. Really bad. I was overwhelmed with guilt and with thoughts like "Oh God, my mom's going to kill me. She's not gonna let me touch the car from now on. She's going to punish me for sure. My God, the amount of money my parents have to waste fixing this. Why am I so careless? Why can't I park right? Why am I such an idiot? Why did this happen to me?"
And... yeah, you get the drill. I actually cried in the car and while I called my mom. To think, I was quite happy a few hours earlier because I managed to get my mom a birthday gift.
And isn't that ironic?
My advertising lecturer, Miss Sasha: (Sees me and my friend hanging outside of the classroom, hours after her class has ended) What are you guys doing here? Shoo! Shoo! Go home! You're not wanted! Shoo!
Me and my friend: (Laughing our heads out)
Well, thankfully, my mom was pretty understanding. Though she was really disappointed with me. She looked at the damage and instantly said, "This will cost us a lot, and we're already wasting so much money" which of course, almost got me crying again. Then she said that she understood that I was only trying and that I should let it be a lesson for me on parking in such a narrow area.
Sigh... if only the feeling of being such an idiot would just go away. I was practically depressed the whole day after that. I didn't want to... really, and as thoughts of suicide and cutting filled my mind, I knew this was going too far.
Erm... to say that I'm much better since then is an understatement. I am not feeling better, but I am feeling hopeful and rather optimistic about tomorrow, even though I still feel like I'm walking on thin ice and I'm going to crash down and sink sooner or later.
But I know I'll pull through it somehow... and I pray that all of you will be able to do the same.
Me: (Pointing at my 5-year-old baby cousin's batman t-shirt with 'The Penguin' on it) Oh, Batman! With the Penguin?
Jeremy: No, that's a pig!
Take care and God bless.
p.s. Happy Birthday, Mom. ^^ Love you lots. |
