Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Warau no imi"We're going to Pangkor this Saturday and Sunday," my mom told me.
"Mmm..." was my reply.
"Good, isn't it? You can finally get out of the house that you've been complaining so much about lately."
"It doesn't make a difference to me."
"Why? What do you mean?"
"I mean it doesn't mean anything to me. Whether I go out, or stay ot home, nothing seems to be able to make me feel better lately."
"What... You can go out if you want to."
"But it doesn't make a difference to me! Right now, I don't feel like anything can make me happy anymore. Everything I do just feels so wrong..."
For once, I actually opened up to my mom about that nagging little problem I've been having lately. Which is the inability to appreciate things.
It's not to say that I hate everything around me, rather it's the same old problem of hating myself. There's a lot in my life I wish to achieve, but just like always something gets in the way, or something is stopping me from reaching it.
Which usually comes down to me.
I'm pretty much aware of the problem, and I know the solution. But it's like knowing the solution without actually knowing how to get it. You know the answer, but you've forgotten the formula to get that answer.
So here I am trying to make the best out of my life. Trying to cheer myself up at every point of which I start breaking down and screaming in my head out of frustration. I really want to make the best out of my life, but my conscience hasn't been much of a help lately.
All I keep hearing in my head is that I'm a real idiot.
And that someone needs to knock me on my head hard enough for me to realise the true potential hidden within me.
If any of you are wondering, yes, I've started a little project for myself to keep my mind busy and to steer away from those "dying" moments. I think Vic might know cause I remember mentioning it to her. I'm not keen on actually letting all of you guys know cause it's kinda embarrassing... but once I'm done (in which, I hope I could ever finish it) I'll put it out in the open.
No, it's not a fan fic or an original story.
This time, I'm all out on making a difference.
I can only hope that I actually accomplish it. And in the end, find the fulfillment I've been looking for lately.
May your lives be triple better than mine. Take care and God bless! ^^ |
