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Friday, June 06, 2003

Okay, my last one was full of uncertain emotions. As much as I hated it, I won't delete it. I have been so lonely these days, really. And I have been angry. Very very angry. And now that my lolo papang has passed away, I have more reasons to be angry. No, not at God, but at myself. I couldn't accept his death. It was hard, but I made it through without a tear. It's been a hell of a week. I hate myself for it. See you guys at school.

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I'm watching you

**Beep**

You have just reached chelle's consciounsce who is now in the state of remorse. Please leave a message after the beep.

**Beep**

Yo, Chelle, where've you been? I've been calling you over and over and over but you never replied. What's wrong? Look, I've heard, okay? Your lolo papang died today. See, that's why I called. And I know you're still struggling with the fact that your parents are leaving you home alone for a whole week so now you're in charge and you hate it. I know, Chelle, I know. I miss you, call me, kay?

**Beep**

Hey, Chelle, you dead with your lolo, too? Call me, damn it. You've been stuck in that f***ing world of yours for the whole holidays. If I didn't know any better I think you're enjoying yourself. Running away again, huh? Typical...just typical...

**Beep**

Chelle! Chelle! Just stop it, okay? Just stop it! I heard it from everyone and you're freaking me out! You need to talk with someone, we all know that! Open up!

**Beep**


Stupid people. Stupid voices in my head. Just shut up. Hell, like you really care.

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Sunday, June 01, 2003

Now here's a thought

Who am I
Why care to know
Why should I try
Why think so
What is my role
Here on Earth...
Just to live and die...
No other worth


How many of us can relate to that? When I first read it, I thought "This is just how to decipher my feelings.". I'm no sunny person these days, but the camp helped me to release that pain and that heart of mine that was filled with scratches of pain, is now full of the plaster God so tenderly put for me. I'm feeling better now...and I know just what to do.

I say: I feel all alone.
God says: I will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5)

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